• Qing

Falling in love with yourself


I was never really into guys. Some I thought were quite good looking, I had a crush on this guy when I was about 11. I remember I liked that he was quite the rebel in school, looking back I just wanted to be the rebel that he was, but felt that girls were not allowed to do that.


Every time my friends would be talking about boys, I just said what they wanted to hear. I had a lot of hormonal problems during my puberty, my body wasn’t able to create it, so I needed to be medicated in order to receive the hormones, during the time that everyone was discovering who they were, having boyfriends and girlfriends, I was going through a heavy depression.


One particular day whilst working out with a friend, she pointed at a guy who was working out on the bars and told me he was quite hot, I shrugged and continued my workout, ‘you’re so asexual’, she said laughing. I did not know what that meant. I was about 19 years old when she told me that and I never forgot it. I thought I was quite weird, why didn’t I like boys? I started noticing that boys were attracted to me and during that time I liked the attention. I would straighten my hair, wear heels but looking back, I was really performing this feminine role, yet this never felt natural.


I struggled a lot with feeling like an outsider, not being able to participate in conversations about boys. But every time I was not around my femme friends, I was fine with myself. I loved goofing around, watching skateboard tricks, martial art flips and trying to be breakdance in my room. I wished that I was able to share this with my friends, but it just didn’t feel possible.


It was around 22 years of age, that my hormones started work, I started to feel more alive like I was getting out of this slug I was in for 5-6 years. I managed to get through high school and finally made it to uni. It was in my second year that I started noticing women, I particularly had this mad crush on one of my teachers and was in love with the lesbian couple on Greys Anatomy. Honestly, I would only watch the show just to watch them, yet I still didn’t make the connection that I was gay.. I know right...


It was one particular show, I sprinted back home to watch the next episode of Greys Anatomy, during this scene things got a bit too hot and I got a bit too excited, I mumbled ‘damn that’s hot and so gay, maybe I’m gay’… The moment I said it, I felt it. I jumped up, looked myself in the mirror and started laughing hysterically, OMG I’M GAY! THIS IS MAKING SENSE NOWWWW!


It was at that moment, that I felt a glimpse of what it feels to know yourself. I felt proud, scared but proud, something that felt like home, but this was not something obtained outside. It was quite a journey and still is but if it wasn’t for Shonda Rimes creating everyday people and everyday love, I wouldn’t know how long it would’ve taken me to find this out. It was in that moment that I fell in love, I fell in love with the possibility of understanding who I was, understanding what I wanted and needed from life and from love and I was damn sure no one would ever take that feeling away from me.


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Where Blackness, Queerness and Gender is met 
through thought, reflection and expression.

    The pictures on this website have been taken by Janella Kerr. 

    Instagram: @ayatah.ayatah. 

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