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Identifying as a Soft Stud is a Radical Act.


As I mentioned in my previous blog: The Identity of Self I touched upon how the society teaches Black women how to behave and how they are treated. Within this blog, I will dive into this a bit deeper.


Using the word ‘Soft’ in my self-identification is very important to me. Growing up in a Black household, my family understood that as a Black person you would be perceived differently, adding my gender into this meant that certain things would be made extra difficult for me. As a Black woman, society has taught us that we are less than, lesser than White man, lesser than White women. Within the Black Community, men have treated Black women as less than too, believing that we should act in a way that would attract them. Because of the history of colonialization and the way women were treated in general, black women often pushed each other down, seeing others as the enemy.


I grew up with a father who was quite the feminist and who married a woman that always bent and created her own rules. Although this was the case, I believe that although I was raised in a progressive household, I was still crafted by how they thought their daughter should act, which directly and indirectly, of course, trickled down from society.

My parents instilled in me a sense of strength and perseverance. Although I applaud myself on being strong and not taking crap from people. I believe that my parent never gave me a lot of space to get in contact with my sensitive side as much as I would have liked. Knowing very well that they had to get their children ready for a world that would swallow them whole if they could, it was something that I had to teach myself.


There is still this thought that a lot of people see Masculinity as an energy that only Males can have. Also, this Masculinity often unfolds itself in a toxic manner, that puts down femme/non-binary people. On my journey of allowing my masculinity to be present, I had to think about which queer person I wanted to be. Being attracted mainly to Femme presented women, it made me think about how I would be treating these women. Although I saw other Masculine presenting women showcasing these toxic masculine traits, having experienced sexism and sexual harassment myself, I knew that I could never be part of that cycle. I had to figure out for myself, what it meant to show positive masculinity. Having a father who was not afraid to show his emotions was helpful in this process, yet this was only a good start for me.


In order to showcase this healthy masculinity, I had to learn to be vulnerable. It has been quite a challenge to open up to myself and allowing myself to be a vulnerability, but the process of coming into my identity as a Queer person helped me a lot in the process. By finding outfits to express my masculinity and more importantly allowing my masculine energy to exist within this world in the shape it came in, made me realize that my feminine energy deserved that same freedom. I started allowing myself not to hide my real feminine side, that presented itself as quirky, loudly laughing and clapping after seeing one of the judging pressing the golden buzzer on Britain’s Got Talent or crying because the world was sometimes just too damn heartless and tough. Besides this, I took to heart the true meaning of the LGBTQ+ flag, as it has space for everyone on the spectrum, it has space for all emotions too.


I started seeing ‘Softness’ as a radical act. I permitted myself to be fully human in the form it presented itself on that day. I allowed my Softness to fuel my Masculine energy in the way it wanted and vice versa which both nourished my Blackness and Queerness, but it was my coming out to myself and allowing my masculinity to be free that nourished my femininity which has supplied my softness in the form that I live in today.


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Where Blackness, Queerness and Gender is met 
through thought, reflection and expression.